Parody: Roger Goodell and Robert Kraft are friends again


The New York Jets are so bad, sometimes we have to take a step back and simply find something to smile about once again. Here’s a parody in which secret tapes reveal Roger Goodell and Robert Kraft are friends again.

Recently discovered recordings reveal what fans of the New York Jets have feared all along: Roger Goodell and Robert Kraft are friends again. The transcript of these recordings is being released here for the very first time in this parody.

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Setting: Office of Roger Goodell (RG), Commissioner of the National Football League

It’s the night before the start of the NFL regular season. A bar with various high-end Scotch sits seductively to the right of the Commissioner’s chair; the room is covered in rich mahogany paneling. The NFL logo looms large behind Goodell. Lighting is low–not quite romantic, but conspiratorial, intimate.

Robert Kraft (RK), owner of the New England Patriots, enters.

RG: Robert, hello! Wonderful to see you!

[Shakes his hand vigorously and pats him on the back; ushers him into an undersized chair].

RK: Ok. Good to see you, Roger, I guess (sounding less than excited)

RG: Oh, come on Robert, I know we’ve had our troubles, but I think we can come to an agreement that will make everyone whole again.

RK: I’m listening, but excuse me if I find it a little hard to believe at this point. We’re out a draft pick, money and started the season without our best player.

RG: I know, I know, but we’re both still rich! Kidding. Well, not really.

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RK: Please, let’s get to the point.

RG: Well, it bothers me that our friendship has been damaged by our latest issues. Parties just aren’t the same! So, I have a proposal. My minions tell me that your quarterback is thinking of pursuing his case all the way to the Supreme Court.

RK: I hear the same.

RG: Robert, this would be a terrible embarrassment to the entire league and might end up hurting our revenue streams.

RK: Well, he has his rights, you do remember that, yes? He does remain an American Citizen last I checked.

RG: Yes, yes, of course. Grumpee! Ok, I see you’re in no mood for chit chat, so let me get to the point. I want Tom to give up his case and take (interrupted)

RK: Wow, what a great deal! I mean, I never thought of that! Is this why you called me here?

RG: Hold on Robert, let me finish. We can get something done here. Here’s what I propose in three parts. First, Tom takes his suspension and stops pursuing a case against the league; Second—now wait—you’re going to like this. I give you a favorable schedule. The first game will be a tough one, but that is more for appearances than anything else. After that, it’s Miami, Houston, and Buffalo! And, um, we’ll leave that trip to Arrowhead out of this one! No need to have flashbacks to 2014.

RK: Well, Roger, you have me listening. But not really all that much on the table. The teams in our division need to play mostly the same opponents.

RG: Right, I thought you might say that. So, a couple of spices in the broth to make it go down a bit more smoothly, like that 25-year-old single malt I have over there. How about we give your most hated division rival a historically awful schedule?

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Feb 1, 2015; Glendale, AZ, USA; New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft (right) alongside NFL commissioner Roger Goodell after beating the Seattle Seahawks in Super Bowl XLIX at University of Phoenix Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

RK: The Jets?

RG: I think we know who we mean Robert—don’t make me say it out loud. These walls have ears.

RK: What do you have in mind?

RG: Oh, something hellish. I mean traveling, short weeks, playoff team after playoff team to start the season. And I’ll throw in the Chiefs–get this–in Arrowhead! I mean, after the first six weeks even if they do win a few, they’ll be so exhausted there’s no way they’ll make the playoffs!! LMAO!

RK: Roger, you know you don’t say “LMAO,” right–I mean you text that. It’s texting shorthand.

RG: Yeah, it felt wrong the second it came out. Anyway, let me show you their first six weeks compared to yours.

RK: Holy Moly–I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. I mean, not out loud anyway! Hahahaha! One thing, though. I hesitate to ask after what you’ve done already (now smiling broadly).

RG: Go ahead! I’m just so glad we’re talking again.

RK: Me too! Such a relief. Sorry, I was such a bear! So, the one thing: I’m wondering if, when Tom comes back, he can return to a kind of soft landing.

RG: So, you’re thinking, maybe Cleveland?

RK: You can still read my mind you old beast!!

RG: Not as old as you! Hah! Just couldn’t stand to see you so deflated!

RK: Oh no you didn’t! (laughing)

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RG: Oh yes I did! Consider it done: Cleveland it is! Let’s have some Scotch and hug it out. Come here you big ol’ Teddy Bear.