Mark Sanchez has come under a lot of fire due to his performance, but fear not. We have brought in some extra training materials for him. Our military trainer, or quarterbacks coach, David Lee, has had major success turning under performing quarterbacks around. We WILL bring in a quarterback that can compete with Mark Sanchez. No matter what it takes, ladies and gentlemen, we will succeed at the quarterback position! I promise!
(hold for applause)
We will have new military strategies, ones that are rooted in the West Coast (the West Coast offense). This will play to our strengths. We will flood enemy territory with weapons, and we won’t stop until we take over! The Jets will fly!
(roar from the crowd)
And the economy? We will fix the economy! We have a lot of defense weapons that have failed to perform, like Bart Scott, Calvin Pace, and Eric Smith, yet we are paying for this artillery. Not any more! We will eliminate the weapons that don’t work, to make our defense fund even more efficient, and number one!
We have John Idzik, taking over as economic advisor (general manager). He has an excellent history of promoting success without over-spending the budget, which is something that should excite fans everywhere. Finally, we have Rex Ryan. No general is more prepared to take his troops into battle than Rex Ryan. He will settle for nothing less than success!
As I will settle for nothing less. The Jets will succeed! We…..will….succeed!
Thank you. You are the best, and J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!!!